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The Dark Matter Between Us
(click for podcast) (7:00 min.)

Beyond the play on words, there’s no way around it; communication is the dark matter in and around and between every one of us "heavenly bodies." It both separates and connects us, and is as much a mystery as a paradox. We’re so accustomed to floating amidst it, that we take the mystery for granted. We become less than conscious of its existence, its importance, its complexities, and most of all, how much we depend upon it every day.
 

For the most part, we become aware of communication issues the same way we become aware of dark matter. We don’t really observe the communication itself, but we observe its affects and the reactions in others brought about by it.

This puts us in the position of observing reactions, and then reacting to those reactions - not the most self-directed strategy. The alternative to this would be taking a more pro-active, or at least more in-the-moment approach. The only way to do that is to break out of the auto-pilot to observe this dark matter (communication) directly, rather than relying solely on the observation of reactions to it. Of course, a combination of both will give the most information, so that’s our target.

Start with the mystery

We often try to answer as many unknowns as possible up front with someone, in our desire for understanding (high road) and probably with a helping of impatience (low road.) Unfortunately, to accomplish this we often do a fair amount of filling in the blanks on our own; also known as assuming and projecting. Big mistake. This is where that dark matter comes in. When we make our assumptions, we might be right - or not. If we keep going merrily down the road of that conversation, sales call, negotiation, with incorrect or inaccurate information, we’re not likely to have the outcome we’re looking for. Assume nothing and you’re forced to ask questions to fill in those blanks.

It’s one thing to empathize with someone, but as soon as the voice in our head says, “if it were me, and I did or said that, it would mean _____,” we need to apply the old brain brakes and remember that they are not us, so we won’t understand until we ask. Otherwise, it’s just classic projection, which just like assumptions, are more often than not, wrong.
 

Life is very different on your planet

As we’re shaped by our life experiences mixing with our genetics, our view of our surroundings is our view, not the way things are. They may be the way things are for you, but remembering that this is not objective is incredibly important and powerful when interacting with other beings who have their own distinct views. These views shape our language and our communication styles, so there’s no escaping them.

Interestingly enough, this is a two-way street. By listening carefully to someone’s language and communication style, you can gather important information about the way they see the world around them (remember to ask questions to stay on the right track.) Once you understand their view, you can meet them in their experience of the world. Are they drawn to aspirations of ideals or comforted by thoughts of security?  Do they see patterns of sameness or do the differences in things jump out at them? Do details bore them or intrigue them? Does taking action excite them or frighten them? Do you see how knowing these things could enhance any conversation, sales call, or negotiation?

The final frontier
Once we become more adept in listening with our sensors turned up, we can take our communication to a higher level. Those very words, images, and metaphors that allowed you to get a peek inside the other person’s view are yours to use as well. If you learn that someone is goal-oriented, fast, sees patterns of sameness, and is competitive, you can shift your language and pace of delivery appropriately. Conversely, that very approach and linguistic style would completely irk someone who considers themselves to be a "thinker" and rationalist.
 

Imagine really connecting with the people you live and work around, without misunderstandings getting out of control, and being able to communicate with them in their native language? How much more effective could you be? How much conflict could you prevent? You can minimize the confusion in your relationships. It’s all about shining a light on the dark matter we call communication.

Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible?  Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

     - Ian J. Blei


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Quick Communication Tip

Imagine a Knob, Not a Switch
When you’re listening to someone, (and yes I’ll repeat like a broken record that listening in itself is the most important thing you can do in communication) give yourself a useful image. Rather than a switch, where people are one way or another, they’re more likely to be on a continuum; in a gray area. This continuum shifts between being motivated by fear, a sense of "rightness," or an ideal of some kind. Imagine the knob is full on Fear all the way to the left, focused on Rightness at the twelve o’clock position, and focused on Identity all the way to the right.

As you listen to them, see if you can “dial them in.” Do they verbalize what they’re trying to avoid? Do they verbalize the ideal they’re aiming for? Do they verbalize who they are in the scheme of things? Each of these is a powerful clue into what drives and motivates them, and that tells you how to best make your point in their own perspective.

Want to learn more about how your communication can hold you back or catapult you forward?  Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.


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The Integram - the podcast series

Kind Ambition - 2nd Edition

 

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