The Integram: an Integral Enneagram of Consciousness;  a model of consciousness, including all aspects, for designing practical paths of personal development and evolution.

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Sustaining Love
9 Not So Secret Secrets
As with all organic life, everything starts from the center, rippling outward. This means before we can be successful in a relationship with anyone else, we need to have a great relationship with ourselves first. This starts with our own emotional state. If we’re not centered emotionally, just like uncentered clay on a pottery wheel, everything will fly apart in time. It takes two to tango, so this goes for both people.
 
Here are nine concepts that will sustain a relationship for years to come. There’s going to be overlapping and redundancy, as they cover multiple ideas, which actually strengthens their impact.
 
1. Kindness. One area we can all focus on a bit more in all our interactions is simple kindness. If we strive to always come from kindness, compassion, and love, it’s doubtful that we’ll say or do hurtful things. There’s never a reason to be unkind to ourselves or our partners. Whatever our desired outcome, there’s a better way to achieve it. Even with employees or vendors, we’ll still “catch more flies with honey.” Positive correction works better than “you’re doing it wrong.”
 
2. Communication. In my original article (5 Rules for Extraordinary Relationships) I advocated over-communicating vs. under-communicating; being as explicit as possible;  eliminating assumptions and projections. Now, what about the content, and how we say it? Talk with each other about how you feel about things and each other. Replace blaming or criticism with cooperative problem solving. The more we can be open, honest, authentic, and responsive, the more we create a “safe space” of trust and understanding. If you’re familiar with the “Love Languages,” this fits right into “Words of Affirmation” as well. [“The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman, Copyright: Northfield Publishing, 1992.]
 
3. It’s a Friendship and Partnership. Remember that you’re in a partnership, and hopefully a deep friendship as well. It’s the friendship that can easily hold together for decades, riding out the rough spots. Create trust by reaching out to each other. Strive to become skilled at solving everyday problems together in a cooperative, open and flexible way.
  
4. Be Quick to Forgive. Forgiveness is often more for us than the other person, as it lifts the weight off our hearts. Resentment brings up fight or flight neurotransmitters, which disable clear thinking. Remember who they are, keep the communication clear, open, and kind. Also remember that people often say things in anger that they (or we) don’t really mean. Remind yourselves of how you got unstuck in prior conflicts, repaired rifts, reconnected, and forgave one another in the past.
 
5. Be Thoughtful and Appreciative. Something that often happens over time, and needs to be more top-of-mind is slipping into taking each other for granted. Celebrate positive events big or small. Reflect on the impact each of you has had on the other. Talk about the times in your relationship when you felt your love intensify. Bring those times to top-of-mind. Again, coming from the “Love Languages,” showing our appreciation can fit in “Acts of Service.
  
6. Quality time/Making time. I often remind clients that “finding time” is passive and other things can get in the way. We need to make time, and give time spent apart and reunions their due. Really connect with affection, conversations about what happened when away, have meals together, and generally make time for emotional and physical intimacy.
 
7. Be an Oasis. This has always been a big one for me. We have enough stress out there in the world. Create and sustain a dependable refuge from life’s stresses; a safe haven. Defuse arguments, creating a sense of safety for each other so you can discuss difficult issues without fear or conflict.
 
8. Physical touch. Intimacy in communication and touch (holding hands, etc.) once again fulfills one of those “Love Languages.” Physical intimacy reinforces emotional intimacy. It’s also been shown scientifically to be a requirement in primates, literally extending lifespans. When the emotional connection is secure, it allows for more intimacy and bonding.
 
9. Introduce Novelty and Spontaneity. Long term relationships often fall into routines, and predictability can lull us into being less conscious, present, and aware. One of the things that causes our brains to create memories is novelty. Surprise them with breaks from routine and don’t forget to communicate why. Some people are a bit averse to surprises, so knowing why can eliminate a negative reaction.
 
You can introduce any or all of these ideas into your relationship, and it will strengthen and lengthen depth and sustainability, making love last.


Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible?  Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

     - Ian J. Blei


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“Ian is a catalyst for ‘aha! moments.’ I saw how to adjust my communications to get outcomes that everyone is happy about.” --Keith Myer: Global Digital Media Executive, IBM


 "…I greatly appreciate your help and guidance through a tough time...The skills you taught me have played a large role in my snowballing success." --Doug Workmaster, Workmaster Photographic Studio

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Welcome to the Integram, where consciousness meets intentional design.   Enjoy!



The Optimizer
Ian Blei,
Director of the
Institute for Integral Enneagram Studies and
President of
Optimized Results
415.826.0478

Kind Ambition

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Kind Ambition:
Practical Steps
to Achieve Success
 Without Losing Your Soul

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Kind Ambition is about you having the tools to slide over to the driver’s seat of your own life.  Circumstances will always be changing, seemingly thwarting our plans, but we don’t have to be  thrown around by them. You can be in charge of your choices and actions more than you might imagine - yet.

Kind Ambition is written for you, as a practical guide you can use right now.  It is a collection of  insights and actions designed to help you move forward and get more out of your life at home and at work.  The chapters hold to a formula of first giving you a new way to look at things, then offering you tangible Action Steps to try them out, and finally some things to notice when you do.

"If you are interested in success, whether it is in running a large organization, a small business, or leading a satisfying life, you will find a right blend of rules, wisdom and wit in a digestible fashion that will serve to accomplish your objectives. The notion that kindness can be blended with ambition and made to work and serve the "bottom line" is enlightening, uplifting and satisfying."

-Steven Kiefel – CEO, Red Pill Media

“An easy to use guide for anyone who wants to achieve real  growth and success. His sensible and practical tactics solve age-old challenges with real, how-to solutions. Best of all, Ian lives his work!”

-Romanus Wolter - Author: Kick Start Your Dream Business
Success Coach Columnist: Entrepreneur Magazine
Radio Host: Syndicated Kick Start Guy Segment

" We all face obstacles in our lives and careers. Some of these come from within, subverting our conscious intentions. The  good news is: they can be overcome.  The techniques and processes found in this book will help you on your way."

-Margaret Heffernan – Author: The Naked Truth: A Working Woman's

 Manifesto on Business and What Really Matters

Syndicated Columnist: Fast Company Magazine

“A scientifically-based, spiritually-awake, (and smart and funny) guide to making the most of your life.  Ian Blei provides the know-how, the inspiration, the structure and all the tools you need in  this straightforward and inspirational book.”

     -Lisa Betts-LaCroix, Past President of SF Coaches
Star of Unapix film, “Dance Me Outside”

" Ian Blei shares his deep insights in simple and straightforward ways.  His work continues to inspire me whenever I feel I'm getting stuck in some area of my life."

-Roy King, III , Senior Partner/Channel Marketing Manager - Skype