The Integram: an Integral Enneagram of Consciousness;  a model of consciousness, including all aspects, for designing practical paths of personal development and evolution.

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An ongoing issue blocking our ability to connect with one another comes from trying to ascertain “why” by observing “what” people do.
 
Granted, observing behavior can be done with minimal interaction or commitment. You don’t need to actually be involved to observe. There's a sense of safety and self-protection served by not getting into the mix with someone. Not only do you get to avoid uncertainties and potential emotional aspects, but you don’t have to expose your own self either. Of course when you think about it, this means that the image you wish to portray is interacting with the image that they want to portray, and neither of you is really present. It’s a blind “Punch and Judy” puppet show, which isn’t the most effective way to communicate.
 
When it works, it’s pretty much by accident (even a broken clock is correct twice a day – once if it’s digital.) Remarkably, we continue to do this, as the potential discomfort of being exposed or having to deal with another person’s issues seems worse than looking at the abysmal results we’re actually getting.
 
Aside from the lack of important, pertinent information, there's also an inherent conflict being written into the interaction. This is what puts us in that position of trying to “sell” our side, while the other person tries to “sell” theirs. I’m not talking about the healthy debate of differing ideas; indeed one of the more healthy aspects of communication. I’m talking about a battle of perspectives masquerading as empirical truths.

 Observable Behavior Steers Us Wrong
Perspectives are directly linked to our motivations and focus of attention. Our motivations and focus of attention are what steer our behavior, not the other way around. We could do the same things for different reasons as easily as we could do different things given the same motivation. Obviously motivation, perspective, and focus of attention say more about who you are. If all I use is observing what you do, I can't possibly understand you, because I don’t know “why?” If I can't understand you, how can I expect to be able to interact or work with you effectively?
 
Strategic Implications
There are very real and logical reasons to downgrade observable behavior’s importance in formulating our understanding of others, and thus being better equipped to work or interact with them.
 
What people do primarily tells you about their survival strategies; by definition their most defended positions. And again, these are often learned strategies that have nothing to do with who the person really is. Trying to work with that defended behavior writes conflict into the interaction. We're in effect, storming the walls, trying to break through defenses, rather than effectively communicating.
 
It's unfortunately our most common approach. I can’t tell you how many clients over the years have come to me looking for better ways to storm the walls, get more effective weapons, better armor for themselves, etc.
 
“How can I get them to do what I want?” is obviously going for manipulation, which is never sustainable. Being whipped, cajoled, or manipulated into action usually results in more energy being expended toward escaping than anything else.
 
You can, however, work with people to a common goal. By understanding their motivation, you can join with them on their side without conflict. You can present the goal to them in a way that appeals to their motivations, rather than your own. Of course truly understanding your own is necessary, to enable you to recognize it and remove its associated projections and assumptions.
 
Choosing Understanding Over Frustration
Trying to predict behavior based on observing prior behavior is at best a game of odds. If you’re lucky, you can guess correctly – this time. You’re still not in a position of understanding what makes that person tick, which leaves you in a position of judgment, frustration, and confusion.
 
You can't understand motivation through observed behavior. You can however understand behavior when you know the motivation. It's a one-way street. Understanding the behavior beats observing it without understanding every time. That understanding gives you something real with which to work. That understanding puts you on the same team with the other person, rather than at odds with them. Which do you think will be more effective?

Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible?  Come visit the web site, or better yet, contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.

     - Ian J. Blei


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Welcome to the Integram, where consciousness meets intentional design.   Enjoy!



The Optimizer
Ian Blei,
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Institute for Integral Enneagram Studies and
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