Conscious Communication: bringing communication
up from "auto-pilot" and reactive, to thoughtful, responsive, and above
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in the background while you file, exercise, ride to work, etc.
Quick Communication Tip
Where crazy and conscious collide™
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
"The Neurobiology of your
how you get addicted to your own hormonal juice"
The Roots of Rightness
Ambition, I addressed cooperation from a perspective of
recognizing the diversity of resources different people bring, and
taking advantage of this wide range of tools to better accomplish
whatever we’re aiming to accomplish. Developing a Non-Zero-Sum style of
competing and working together is more sustainable than pure “I win –
This black and white, dualistic model doesn’t fit reality very well; as
life is rarely if ever black and white. How we look at things shifts
with additional information. When we’re being honest with ourselves, we
know that we don’t know everything. New information comes along, and
suddenly atoms aren’t the smallest objects in the Universe, and the
Earth isn’t flat.
So why do we get so stuck in a particular way of seeing something?
You’re not going to like this, but in a word – fear. Very old
programming tells us that if we’re wrong, we’ll die. This may well have
been true long ago about where the water is or what berries are safe to
eat. Indeed there are still areas where being “wrong” about something
could be fatal, but let’s face it; not all areas, and not all the time.
In fact, rather than the right way or the wrong way, more often than not
multiple interpretations can be made about the exact same circumstances.
Embracing that concept is the path to peace, harmony, and cooperation,
but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm Cold, You Should Wear a Sweater
You may have found yourself on either side of this dynamic, but how
often do we compare how we’d say something, do something, or even
whether we like something or not, to how others would say, do, or like
something? Then, starting with our own way or taste as a baseline for
normal (or “right”) we look at the difference as a measurement of
“wrongness” on their part.
This is an enormous part of the unnecessary conflict we live with on a
personal, organizational, and global level. If I believe xyz, and
you believe abc, do I need to convert you to my way of thinking
so that the Universe doesn’t blow up? Why is it so important for you to
live like I live, like what I like, do what I do? Again that fear is, if
you can do, say, or believe things differently, I could be “wrong,” thus
I’ll die. This is very deep, very young developmental brain leftovers,
and we really need to get past it. The first hard truth we need to look
at is the level of narcissism built into that process.
Remember, narcissism has nothing to do with conceit, and everything to
do with seeing others as being reflections of us, (not unique
individuals.) The more we can see them as not being versions of us
“doing it wrong,” the more we open the door to a much richer world.
We Don't Even See It One Way
Almost What’s both
ironic and our salvation in all this is paying attention to the fact
that we don’t have a singular perspective about things ourselves. As
you’ve probably noticed, you don’t see things the same way when you’re
totally stressed out. If you had a conversation with yourself at your
best and yourself at your worst, there’s a good chance an argument would
ensue. One of you would be more risk averse, one of you would be more
withdrawn and not want to be around people, one of you might be really
bossy, and so on.
So if you can interpret something different ways in different
states of mind, isn’t it possible that someone else’s “different” view
might agree with yours, when you’re in a different state of mind? This
is that path to peace, harmony and cooperation mentioned earlier. Once
we’ve recognized that each of us has several perspectives that shift
with circumstances and moods, we don’t need to be so attached to just
one perspective or interpretation. If we’re not so attached to just one
perspective or interpretation, we can hear someone else’s, which can be
quite different than ours in the moment, and not feel compelled to
convert them to ours.
If you like anchovies and I don’t, there’s no reason I need to express
my disdain to you from a “what’s wrong with you” perspective. There’s a
difference between my not seeing something as funny, and it not being
funny, period. It’s called an opinion, remember? We can disagree, and
not judge each other’s tastes, beliefs, or perspectives as wrong because
they’re different. That’s called diversity. As a matter of fact, we can
go a step further, and look at different perspectives as an added bonus.
Perspectives are like pixels. The more we have, the richer the colors
and the better the resolution. What if we shifted our reactions to
“differences” from “ew, that’s weird,” to “wow, that’s so different and
interesting!” Who would it hurt?
Improving our experience together has a pretty simple recipe: “Allow One
Another to Be One Another.” You can be who you are without me needing to
be like you, or make you be like me. In fact, I’m more likely to learn
more from adding the diversity of your different perspective. I’m more
likely to understand a larger context by adding the diversity of your
different perspective. When it comes down to it, our very survival
depends on truly embracing (not just tolerating) this diversity of
- Ian J. Blei
Special Offer -
In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm going to express some gratitude by making
I'm going to give Dynamic Discovery coaching sessions away to the first 3
people (not already clients) who email me with this month's "secret word." Ready?
The secret word for November is "blagodarnost." Gratitude
in any language is gratitude. (Extra points for knowing which
language the secret word is in. Just put that in your
email, along with your contact info so we can schedule.
Each session is a normally a $187.00 value, and will be worth much more to you in
life-changing ways. Good luck!
Quick Communication Tip
This may seem silly and simplistic, but when it comes to interaction and
relationships, this is the secret sauce. Judgement and criticism are
enormously destructive activities, and we often don’t realize we’re
engaging in them. We justify and rationalize that we’re “helping.” We’re
helping them to not be different than us. Who does that serve, and how?
If someone talks more slowly than us, are they really too slow, or are
we perhaps in too much of a hurry? What else can we learn by not forcing
them to speed up, but allowing them to be who they are? Can we take in
other information like micro-expressions, tone, and body language? If
we’re truly strapped for time, perhaps letting the other person know
exactly how much time they have will enable them to “package” it better
for you? Open, compassionate dialog goes a long way toward effective,
Want to learn more about how your communication can hold you back or
catapult you forward? Come visit the
or better yet,
contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.
- the podcast series
Melissa Risdon's Raving Fan Radio Show:
Ian Blei on the
ourselves, each other, and our relationships
KG Stiles: "Conversations that Enlighten and Heal"
Ian Blei on Kind Ambition and the
visit the Blog.
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Communication results in success, and how you can
Institute for Integral Enneagram
Without Losing Your Soul
about you having
the tools to slide over to the
driver’s seat of your
Circumstances will always be
changing, seemingly thwarting
our plans, but we don’t have to be
thrown around by them. You can
charge of your choices and actions more than you might imagine - yet.
is written for you,
as a practical guide you can
right now. It is a collection of
insights and actions designed to help
you move forward and get more out
of your life at home and at work.
The chapters hold to a formula of
first giving you a new way to look at
things, then offering you tangible
Action Steps to try them out, and
finally some things to notice when you do.
Kind words for
"If you are interested in success, whether it is in running a large
organization, a small business, or leading a satisfying life, you will
find a right blend of rules, wisdom and wit in a digestible fashion that
will serve to accomplish your objectives. The notion that kindness can
be blended with ambition and made to work and serve the "bottom line" is
enlightening, uplifting and satisfying."
-Steven Kiefel – CEO, Red Pill Media
“An easy to use guide for anyone who wants to
growth and success. His sensible and practical tactics
solve age-old challenges with real, how-to solutions. Best of all, Ian
lives his work!”
-Romanus Wolter -
Author: Kick Start Your Dream Business
Success Coach Columnist: Entrepreneur Magazine
Radio Host: Syndicated Kick Start Guy Segment
We all face obstacles in our lives and careers. Some of these come from within, subverting our conscious intentions. The
good news is: they can be overcome. The techniques and processes found in this book will help you on your way."
-Margaret Heffernan – Author: The Naked Truth: A Working Woman's
Manifesto on Business and What Really Matters
Syndicated Columnist: Fast
scientifically-based, spiritually-awake, (and smart and funny) guide to
making the most of your life. Ian Blei provides the know-how, the
inspiration, the structure and all the tools you need in this
-Lisa Betts-LaCroix, Past
President of SF Coaches
Star of Unapix film,
“Dance Me Outside”
Ian Blei shares his deep insights in simple and straightforward
ways. His work continues to inspire me whenever I feel I'm getting stuck in some area of my life."
-Roy King, III