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Verbal Accuracy  

Being strongly inspired to address this subject, I suddenly felt a sense of déjà vu.  Indeed I had been here before - many times.  Chapter 37 of my book, “Kind Ambition” is called, “Say What You Mean – one thing leads to another,” and rings as true today as it did then.  So if I may be so bold as to quote myself, let’s look at an easily implemented improvement to our communication.  All it requires is a little extra consciousness.

The specificity of words and the ambiguity of words are both the joy and bane of our conversations.  Wordplay depends on words having shades of meaning, or multiple meanings, that we can take down a surprise road, whipping our heads around as if we’re on an amusement park ride.  Unfortunately, they are also the potential fork in the road when we are trying to talk with each other.  With every split, we find ourselves knee deep in conflict before we know what happened.

I’ve seen many interactions that went far too deeply into this kind of conflict, far too quickly.  The problem is not the conflict itself (when it’s real conflict, and you can process it, the learning far outweighs the discomfort).  The problem is when the conflict is between entities who aren’t even in the room, and the issues are not directly related to what is actually going on in the here and now.

We all have issues that are often highlighted in language as “hot buttons” or “triggers.”  These are the words or phrases that hit the PLAY button on your internal tape recorder, and your tape just starts going.  You are no longer really part of the process: you’re in auto-pilot.  Inevitably, your defensive salvo will hit the other person’s trigger, and their tape recorder will go into auto-pilot as well.  Now neither of you are present, neither of you are in dialogue, and you’re reduced to dueling reactions.

Imagine that you are challenged to communicate with someone in a darkened room, not allowed to speak, and the only tool you have is a stick.  Most likely outcome?  You are each going to be poking each other, not communicating, and probably getting a bit miffed as well. 

Say What?

It’s almost a miracle that we communicate as well as we do most of the time, considering how diverse our definitions of words can be.  As an exercise, I’ve asked workshop/seminar attendees and even Boards of Directors to think about a dog in their heads.  Then we go around the room and describe the dog each of us imagined.  Of course we thought of everything from a snarling Rottweiler to a happy Cocker Spaniel.  We’re only talking about a three-letter noun.  Imagine when we get into abstracts, such as integrity or success?!  Awareness around this inevitably improves the communication that follows.

Let’s say I want you to be more open with me about your needs, and say, “you need to be more honest with me.”  Honesty is a hot button for you, and you hear, “you’ve been lying to me.”  Now you go off into defending that you haven’t been lying, and “how dare I accuse you of something like that!”  Now I go into damage control mode because I never meant to call you a liar.  We’re off and running on an argument that has nothing to do with the original intent.  If I had been more precise with my words about you being “open about your needs” rather than the subtle language shift of absent-mindedly choosing the word “honesty,” we could have actually had a conversation.

Let’s say a customer complains about an order not being what he asked for.  The written work order shows that you didn’t make an error, but he definitely didn’t get what he actually needs.  If you say you can “correct” the order, you’ve just told the customer that you made a mistake.  That will set a precedent which can become a recurring nightmare.  You will likely get accused of making mistakes for the rest of this relationship.  If you say you can “adjust” the order so that it meets his needs, you’ve just saved face for everyone, and made service points for your flexibility and responsiveness.  Do you see how subtle the word choice is, and how enormous the reaction can be?

The Conscious Communication Approach

Think about your most recent verbal conflict with someone.  When did you feel your button(s) being pushed?  Was it the words?  Can you remember exactly where the train went off the track?

Think about the earliest instance you can remember having this same kind of conflict.  Who was it with?  Can you remember the words?  Can you identify and recognize your own “hot buttons” or triggers?  Once identified, these triggers will begin to lose their potency, as you see them in a larger context.

Check in with the person with whom you’re having the conflict.  Let them know that you are reacting to the word or phrase they used, (not the person) and you need to get more clarification.  Did they mean “honest” or “open?”  Did they mean “manipulative” or “persuasive?”  Did they mean “it’s terrible,” or “I personally didn’t care for it?”

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Quick Communication Tip

A Second of Pause – you can’t un-ring the bell

Once again, speed kills, when it comes to conversation.  Nine times out of ten, when we say something we wish we hadn’t, just a moment’s pause could have prevented it.  Just as some folks find setting their email programs to Queue first before Sending, you might want to do that with your words.  Build in a little delay to the system.

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Resource Links:

Conscious Communication - the podcast series

Personal Life Media - "Coaching the Life Coach:"

Communication Excellence (Podcast Snippets)

Communication Excellence (full interview)

Interview for Entrepreneur Magazine Radio w/ Romanus Wolter

Interview Podcast for Evolutionary Radio w/ Jason McClain

Kind Ambition - 2nd Edition now available

Got Blog? come visit the Blog.  Rants and delvings for your entertainment.

Character Driven - Ever want to create characters that were so believable, that people forgot they were characters?
 

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