Consciousness and Pain Prevention
Welcome to the Conscious Communication Chronicle, sharing how Conscious Communication results in success, and how you can achieve yours. Enjoy!
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Kind Ambition is about you having the tools to slide over to the driver’s seat of your own life. Circumstances will always be changing, seemingly thwarting our plans, but we don’t have to be thrown around by them. You can be in charge of your choices and actions more than you might imagine - yet.
Kind Ambition is written for you, as a practical guide you can use right now. It is a collection of insights and actions designed to help you move forward and get more out of your life at home and at work. The chapters hold to a formula of first giving you a new way to look at things, then offering you tangible Action Steps to try them out, and finally some things to notice when you do.
Kind words for “Kind Ambition”
"If you are interested in success, whether it is in running a large organization, a small business, or leading a satisfying life, you will find a right blend of rules, wisdom and wit in a digestible fashion that will serve to accomplish your objectives. The notion that kindness can be blended with ambition and made to work and serve the "bottom line" is enlightening, uplifting and satisfying."
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" We all face obstacles in our lives and careers. Some of these come from within, subverting our conscious intentions. The good news is: they can be overcome. The techniques and processes found in this book will help you on your way."
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Conscious Communication: bringing communication up from "auto-pilot" and reactive, to thoughtful, responsive, and above all, intentional.
Our less-than-conscious communication causes so much unnecessary pain for ourselves and others, and because it is less than conscious, rarely gets addressed. We hurt ourselves and those around us with so much regularity that we begin to assume it as normalcy. We put our energy into being tougher and more calloused, rather than increasing the consciousness around our words.
Ironically, this requires more energy in the long run, and adds the downside of further separation and isolation from one another. It also maintains an antagonistic relationship with yourself that actually obstructs you from achieving your full potential. Of course the big upside is that since the problem arises out of a lack of consciousness, the solution becomes obviously to add that consciousness back in.
From the Inside Out
The dynamics of communication are like pebbles in water. The energetic wave flows outward from its origin point; the nature of the ripples being determined by the impact/mass of that originating thought/pebble. This means our best shot at affecting the nature of those ripples is to address that pebble.
This is where applying consciousness can have a profound impact on the eventual and distant ripples. There are countless “thought-less” things that we say to ourselves every day. Some are a little rough, and some are utterly debilitating; building brick walls between us and what we strive for. What’s more, they’re almost always flying under the radar of our consciousness.
One of the most common examples of internal verbal abuse is name-calling. We do this because we observed it as kids, or we’ve internalized someone else doing it. Usually this is connected to making a mistake, losing, or forgetting something. If you think about it consciously, it’s absurd to think that an insult will fix a mistake or improve your memory, so it must be getting added by that lurking less-than-conscious, auto-pilot place that gets us in trouble.
Listen to what you say to yourself. How many times a day do you finish a sentence in your head with “you idiot,” or some such equivalent?
What makes things worse is the ripples. We are so accustomed to this kind of self-talk, that we don’t really notice when that “you idiot” wave travels outward toward other people. It doesn’t even have to be spoken aloud to communicate the energy.
Reversing the trend is a simple process, yet requires your attention. Start actively catching it when you internally insult yourself, and interrupt that pattern. Apologize to yourself if it already came out, and if not, try to re-frame how you talk to yourself. Imagine yourself as your own small child, and talk to this child who you love and protect. Saying “you idiot” will be unlikely.
From this pebble, weighted and shaped just so, the wave that emanates will reflect this different energy, and you will not be communicating disdain for other people unconsciously (positive ripple effect).
One of the things we do unwittingly, is create an adversarial perspective where none was intended. This in turn begins a reactive cycle of defenses, assumed intentions, projections, and more defenses, with nobody actually engaged in dialogue with the other person. This resembles “shadow boxing,” where projections on the wall are having the exchange.
So how does this happen? How do we create these rifts? It takes two to tango; there are the words spoken, and there are the thoughts, feelings, and pre-recorded reactions on the receiving end. Both can be filled with potential mines. Your ability to affect someone else’s receiving end is pretty much limited to minimizing potential triggers.
Let’s say we had a plan to go to a Farmer’s Market on Saturday morning. Thursday night, you break your leg. Obviously this is not something you would choose to do. When I hear that we’re not going to the Farmer’s Market, I tell you that I’m “disappointed.”
Now this is a perfectly valid and genuine thing to feel. Ironically, without a little extra care, verbalizing that disappointment can create a rift. When I say that “I’m disappointed,” there are a couple of things that happen.
You very well may hear the unspoken accusation “you disappointed me.” Words like “disappointment” tend to be trigger words (one of those vestigial parent-voice-in-your-head things) which can evoke a non-rational reaction and defense, that once again separates us from the engagement of dialogue. When what’s heard is “you disappointed me,” you feel bad. When you feel bad, you “cope,” you don’t communicate. You didn’t disappoint me by breaking your leg, and yet without taking that split second to add a little consciousness, the message went off track.
What could I do differently? I need to create an “us” in my language. I haven’t included you in what’s going on. It’s all about me. That may not be my intention; I could have the opposite intention and want to express how much I wanted to see you, but my words were about my experience, my world, my view. No doubt you would be easily as disappointed as me, (probably more; and in pain from the leg).
Let’s rewind the tape, and rather than speaking from the “me” perspective, I’ll speak from the “we” perspective. When I hear that we’re not going to the Farmer’s Market, I may well be disappointed, but how about you? What if after making sure you’re okay I said something like, “Well, maybe we can’t do what we planned, but it was more about going together than just going to the market, so what else might we do?”
Bringing it all the way up to full consciousness, we can see that much of the time there’s a child stamping his or her foot for things to go his or her way, to be seen, to be heard. And we are not that hurt child anymore, so we really can get past that. Once we do, there’s an amazing ability to connect with each other.
Conscious Communication - the podcast series
Interview Podcast for Evolutionary Radio w/ Jason McClain
Kind Ambition - 2nd Edition now available
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