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April 2008 |
Free Yourself from Self-Limiting Language
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Conscious Communication: bringing communication up from "auto-pilot" and reactive, to thoughtful, responsive, and above all, intentional. Feature Article or listen to the podcast version in the background while you file or exercise, etc.
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
From Compulsion to Choice;
-
getting off the 'hamster wheel.'
Noon - 1:00pm
UCSF - Osher Center for
Integrative Medicine
San Francisco, CA
*************
August
7th - 10th,
2008
"Accessing Multiple Perspective Consciousness
The 1st Biennial Integral Theory Conference
Integral Theory in Action:
Serving Self, Other, and
Kosmos
Presented by
John F. Kennedy University and
Integral Institute.
More Info
or
Register Now!
I received a response to
last month’s newsletter,
sparking a chain reaction of questions for me, eventually leading to this
month’s topic. (Thanks, Bill!) Addressing the Conscious Communication
Chronicle’s communication-centric “mission statement,” the observation
was made that [rather than communication] there was a strong focus on
psychology.
The wording of the observation establishes a kind of
context or rules of the game by putting communication on one side and
psychology on another. What’s interesting is that knowing what a
creative guy this was coming from, it probably wasn’t intended as an
either/or form at all. The wording of the observation more reflected our
common cultural slant for
simplifying our choices; often to an either/or
perspective.
The thing about simplifying our choices this way is that it also
limits
our choices, and that’s rarely what we want. Limiting other people’s
choices may be helpful on the retail end, (ever wait tables?) but you
probably want to have your options as open as possible. This is one of
those unconscious ways we block ourselves, so the slightest awareness
around this habit can make a big difference in your sense of emotional
and mental “elbow room.”
The old maxim regarding using “yes, and” rather than “yes, but” actually
speaks to the heart of this widening of our choices. We go from the
digital, two possible answers of on or off to a more natural, organic
spectrum. How many times have you been frustrated by multiple choice
tests that wouldn’t allow you to choose more than one answer, or people
who insist on yes or no answers to questions that have much more depth
and texture to them? Is this about communication or is this about our
psychology? Can either really exist without the other?
Mortar Between the Stones
Another place I often hear a digital choice being
offered, is when people ask if I am a business coach or a life coach. I
usually annoy them by answering “yes.” In fact, the reason that I so
focus on communication, is because it is the very mortar between the
stones of everything connecting our lives to each other, the world, and
even our own thoughts and feelings. How often when you think about
something, do you do it without any internal dialogue? How can we share
what’s inside (psychology) with who’s outside, without communication?
Whether that communication is using words to convey an internal
experience to someone, to give direction, or even to mull something over
in your head, those words control the nature of the outcome.
Our words and our psychology are very much like the chicken and the egg.
It is almost impossible to establish a singular origin; they each create
each other. Your self-talk is both the result of your psychology, and a
creating element. The more we try to understand how everything fits
together, the more we look at systems and relationships, the more
communication becomes a factor
The Doorway
Just as our way of seeing the world, sorting things out, and processing,
creates a kind of language specific to that perspective, listening to
that language from others gives you clues to their perspective. This is
another example of the inextricable flow between psychology and
communication. How do you work with a given person? How do you convey
things to them? Just using our own styles and hoping others will get it
isn’t terribly effective, so this “conscious communication” thing
becomes very useful.
Let’s take a common element that shows up in our behavior, as well as
our language: self-esteem. People constantly tell you how they feel
about themselves (and thus you and others) through their language.
Digging into our self-talk, there are numerous “reasons” our ego gives
us for why we can’t, don’t, aren’t ___________[fill in the blank].
If we follow the ripples of these “reasons,” they take us to different
behaviors or ways of being in the world. “I’m not enough” is actually
quite different than “I’m not good enough,” which is again quite
different than “there’s something wrong with me.” Each will manifest in
the world as a completely different kind of person, with different
perspectives, and speaking these slightly different versions of the same
language. We need to understand this to motivate them, to sell to them,
to convey our own thoughts or feelings to them, and to understand them
as well.
We can also use language and our communication to shift our own way of
being in the world; to motivate and understand ourselves. Psychologist
Martin Seligman’s work with “Learned Optimism” at Penn State relies
heavily on our internal communication. Our psychology (our mind and
behavior) is fluid and changeable. Just as our perspectives affect our
language, our language can have a remarkable impact on our outlook (that
chicken or the egg thing.)
“Everybody always does this to me” becomes a recipe for depression,
whereas addressing the pervasiveness, [everybody] the permanence,
[always] and the personalization, [to me] could completely reverse the
affect a circumstance would have on you. Communication gives us a way in
to our own insides, and a way in to others. As long as we’re going
there, it couldn’t hurt to do it consciously. Doing so gives us far more
options and choices. You might even say it gives us optimized results.
****************
Catch Your Inner Limiters
There are all kinds of ways that we hold ourselves back linguistically,
and this month’s tip addresses your communication with yourself.
Antithetical to our sense of optimism and drive, the three Ps of
negative limits are: pervasiveness, permanence, and personalization.
When you think about it, each of these words limits your experience of
something.
Listen to your inner dialogue, and see if you can catch yourself using
any of these limiting descriptors. When you do, rather than beating
yourself up about it, enjoy the
moment, as your awareness opens the door.
Here's the process: when you say, “I’ll never______,”
catch yourself, (come on, never?!) and offer yourself the other possibilities for outcome.
Do this for each limiter, giving yourself options instead. This replaces furrowed brows with smiles, motivates us, and increases
problem-solving creativity every time.
Want to learn more about how your communication can hold you back or
catapult you forward? Come visit the
web site,
or better yet,
contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and
desired outcomes.
Resource Links:
Conscious Communication
- the podcast series
Personal Life Media -
"Coaching the Life Coach:"
Communication Excellence
(Podcast Snippets)
Communication Excellence (full interview)
Interview Podcast
for Evolutionary Radio w/ Jason McClain
Kind
Ambition
-
2nd Edition now available
Got Blog?
come visit the Blog
Character Driven
-
Ever want to create
characters that were so believable, that people forgot they were
characters?
****************
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Welcome to the Conscious Communication Chronicle, sharing how Conscious Communication results in success, and how you can achieve yours. Enjoy!
also available at:
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The chapters hold to a
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finally some things to notice when you do.
Kind words for
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"
We all face obstacles in our lives and careers. Some of these come from within, subverting our conscious intentions. The
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