Clipping the Wire to the 'PLAY' Button
Welcome to the Conscious Communication Chronicle, sharing how Conscious Communication results in success, and how you can achieve yours. Enjoy!
Upcoming Seminars & Events:
Interview for Entrepreneur Magazine Radio w/ Romanus Wolter
Podcast for Evolutionary Radio w/ Jason McClain
2nd Edition now available
Kind Ambition is about you having the tools to slide over to the driver’s seat of your own life. Circumstances will always be changing, seemingly thwarting our plans, but we don’t have to be thrown around by them. You can be in charge of your choices and actions more than you might imagine - yet.
Kind Ambition is written for you, as a practical guide you can use right now. It is a collection of insights and actions designed to help you move forward and get more out of your life at home and at work. The chapters hold to a formula of first giving you a new way to look at things, then offering you tangible Action Steps to try them out, and finally some things to notice when you do.
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Conscious Communication: bringing communication up from "auto-pilot" and reactive, to thoughtful, responsive, and above all, intentional.
Regardless of our intentions, it seems that certain people or situations trigger a response. Either we non-consciously react and end up with that inevitable mess, or stop in our tracks, trying not to have a reaction at all. This is of course is akin to "not thinking about a pink elephant" and you know how well that works.
This subject of being "triggered" is too broad to take on in its entirety here, and those of you familiar with my work (whether through coaching, writing, or speaking) know that cutting the wire, or re-wiring the triggers is a big part of what I help people do.
This being the Conscious Communication Chronicle, let's focus on how words and language affect triggers, or become triggers in themselves, and what we can do to minimize conflict and maximize effective communication?
Low Hanging Fruit
There are some verbal triggers that are so general as to not even require specific language. You can put this information into action right now.
For the most part, people are pretty focused on themselves (I hope I'm not shocking anyone here) and a great deal of what we take personally is absolutely not about us. You see, we as a people tend toward projection (again, big surprise?). The expression "it takes one to know one" and "it takes a thief to catch a thief" were born of this kind of projection and extrapolation. So what’s the action step?
Whenever someone accuses you of something (their words dripping with judgment) you can pretty much be assured that they are telling you exactly what they can’t stand about themselves. This is an extension of the old “ if that were me” projection.
For example, someone says, “you can’t make it as an artist!” Rather than reacting to whether or not you feel you can, or you want their support, or any of the other roads you could go down, the most likely meaning of their statement was: “I don’t think I could make it as an artist.” Their motivation for trying to dissuade you is a whole other conversation. What you need to do is remember to not take it personally, and listen to their “confession of anxiety” in their accusation or judgment.
When you recognize that they are indeed confessing their own anxieties, it is much easier to feel compassion toward them, rather than be triggered into defenses or arguments.
The Other Side – Their Triggers
As communication is very much a two-way street, there are things that you may say that can trigger the other person. This is a far more difficult situation to avoid (unless you know them and their triggers well). You can have the most innocent of intentions, and it is almost shocking when they blow up at you, or withdraw and disappear.
Again, let’s look at an example. Let’s say you are trying to connect with someone, and you share a common ailment or issue with them, with the intention that this commonality will bring you closer together. If the other person has not reconciled or come to terms with this issue, your intention could be completely lost on them, and all they hear is you pointing out what they are miserable about.
This pushes their trigger, and they go reactive. There’s not a lot you can do here, except to apologize for pushing their button, and probably back off. Trying to “correct their perception” will rarely work in the moment, because they are too consumed with their own reaction. The play button has been pushed on their internal tape recorder, and there’s no room for input.
There are very specific triggers that are primarily semantic in nature, and these can be dealt with using conscious communication. As our view of the world shapes the words, images, and metaphors of our language, you can reverse engineer from the words back to a person’s perspective.
If someone sees the world in very qualitative ways, with many possibilities and contingencies, speaking in absolutistic terms can trigger them into reactive behavior. The opposite is of course just as true, and an absolutistic person is very triggered by qualifying language. “It is or it isn’t!!” “Give me a yes or a no answer!”
Being able to recognize the linguistic cues that people give you, so that you can match them in their communication style gives you the ability to create much faster rapport with them. Being able to create rapport may be the single most important skill-set you can develop for your business and personal relationships.
The reason people buy from you, listen to you, hire you, or want to date you, is how easily they feel they can connect with you, and most importantly of all, how much they feel that you “get them” and their experience. We all want to be heard or seen, and when you can give someone that, you are immediately on their team.
Once again, if any of this is the slightest bit confusing, and you're going to be in San Francisco over the next two weeks, all will be revealed in the March seminars, which will be the last two public seminars in S.F. for a while. My 3/7 seminar will pursue the language aspects, and the 3/13 seminar will pursue the embodied characteristic aspects of meeting another person in their experience, without tracking the mud of our own histories across their psyches.
Kind words for “Kind Ambition”
"If you are interested in success, whether it is in running a large organization, a small business, or leading a satisfying life, you will find a right blend of rules, wisdom and wit in a digestible fashion that will serve to accomplish your objectives. The notion that kindness can be blended with ambition and made to work and serve the "bottom line" is enlightening, uplifting and satisfying."
-Steven Kiefel – CEO, Red Pill Media
“An easy to use guide for anyone who wants to
-Romanus Wolter -
Author: Kick Start Your Dream Business
" We all face obstacles in our lives and careers. Some of these come from within, subverting our conscious intentions. The good news is: they can be overcome. The techniques and processes found in this book will help you on your way."
-Margaret Heffernan – Author: The Naked Truth: A Working Woman's
Manifesto on Business and What Really Matters
Syndicated Columnist: Fast Company Magazine
“A scientifically-based, spiritually-awake, (and smart and funny) guide to making the most of your life. Ian Blei provides the know-how, the inspiration, the structure and all the tools you need in this straightforward and inspirational book.”
-Lisa Betts-LaCroix, Past
President of SF Coaches
" Ian Blei shares his deep insights in simple and straightforward ways. His work continues to inspire me whenever I feel I'm getting stuck in some area of my life."
-Roy King, III, Director Pacific Development Partners
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