Conscious Communication: bringing communication
up from "auto-pilot" and reactive, to thoughtful, responsive, and above
in the background while you file, exercise, ride to work, etc.
Quick Communication Tip
Whatever you celebrate,
may it be filled with
joy, peace, and love.
What Did You
The premise that motivation is a function of pain and reward is (to be
kind) overly simplistic. In fact, to lump all humans into a single mode
of stimulus and response is ludicrous. In practice, it yields dismal
results. There's got to be a better way.
People who are masters at sales are usually quite adept at “reading”
people, and making adjustments to their pitches accordingly. This is
often a skill that they don’t really think about. It either comes
naturally to them, or has evolved through experience. They’ve discovered
that by using their listening skills, and paying close attention
there’s much more to sales than using someone’s fears to manipulate
them. Even for the small percentage of people that this works on, the
results are short-term, non-sustainable, and inherently infused with
Why am I setting our context within the realm of sales? Whether we like
it or not, the vast majority of our interactions in life involve
conveying our point if not swaying others to it. This is the core
definition of sales. We may be talking to a friend about a great meal, a
great movie we just saw, or the benefits of rack-and-pinion steering.
Presenting our view in a manner that is so attractive to the other
person, that they might entertain holding it themselves is sales, pure
Beyond the simplicity of fear and manipulation selling is a more lasting
joy of connection and relationship. This is where sustainability and
repeat business come from. And just like that great meal we had, or the
great movie we saw, referrals and word-of-mouth come from the same
Using fear to manipulate is exemplified in the "Dark Side of the Force"
in the Star Wars franchise. To quote Yoda, “it’s easier, faster, more
seductive” yet inevitably leads to ruin. Once someone has been used in
this way, they’re not likely to come back for more. It just doesn't feel
good. The way of the Jedi may take a bit more consciousness and
patience, but in the end, everybody wins, and the positive cycle of
referrals can continue.
Core Issues, Different Strokes
I’m not saying that fear isn’t a core issue for some people. It just
isn’t the core issue for everyone. For others, a sense of
Rightness drives them. Still others are driven by questions of identity
and position within their social structure. Fear, Rightness, and
identity issues all show up in various ways as well. They can be
outwardly directed, inwardly directed, or stuffed and suppressed.
Obviously one size does not fit all. We need to pay attention and be
ready to adjust our approach like those masters of sales. They learn to
shift from “this car has the best safety record,” to “this car will tell
the world you’re successful” by reading their audience.
"God is in the details." - Ludwig Mies van der Rohe
Let’s look at a real-world example of how much information you can glean
from the simplest verbal exchange. Imagine that you're emotionally
distraught about something. Your child, partner, or friend sees you like
this and says, “can I help?” Alternatively, the question is “how
can I help?” A third possibility might be, “what can I do to
help?” Each of these examples gives you rich information about the
person asking the question.
To simplify, I’ll step into the questioner’s place; writing from first
person. The first example is tricky (fewer words often creates
ambiguity). I might be asking permission, but I’m also asking if my
helping is a possibility. On a deeper level, I’m starting with the
pre-supposition (a belief on some level) that I might not be able
to help. That tells you about my internal landscape (thus my
In the second example, there is the pre-supposition that I can
help you. I just need to know how to do that. I’m looking for
guidance from you. That’s my actual question. The third example is
especially telling. By asking “what can I do to help you,” I’m
pre-supposing that I can do something to help, and I’m putting an
activity safely between us. I am not offering my self. I'm
maintaining a safe distance emotionally, and offering a third entity: an
activity I can perform. Once again, I’ve given you powerful
information about my internal landscape (and motivation) through my
choice of words.
you want to convey your point, and perhaps sway me to it as well,
obviously you need to know more about who I am and what motivates me.
Applying a one-size-fits-all approach is like playing Russian Roulette,
or Ready, Fire, and don’t bother to Aim. Listening with intention and
consciousness will tell you what your most persuasive approach will be.
Wouldn’t you rather use the right key on the right lock, than trying to
jam the same key into every lock, hoping to find the right one by
chance? You have everything you need to succeed: your ears, your
conscious mind, and your willingness. All you need to do is apply them
directly toward your desired outcome..
- Ian J. Blei
Special Offer -
Cornucopia Time Again:
During the Holiday Season "Gratitude" is a magic word. It
motivates sharing, smiles, and a warm sense of contentment. I'm
continuing to offer a cornucopia of goodies this month. Everything from
stocking stuffers to full scale transformation courses.
Three offerings this month: "Kind Ambition," "Dynamic Discovery
Sessions," and my annual "Family Communication Triage" sessions to remove
the stress from those family get togethers. When we
understand how we
(and everyone around us) ticks, we're incredibly competent,
confident, and at ease.
Everything is being offered at half-off for a limited time, so come see
what you can grab up while the goodies last.
here for the SALE page!!!
Quick Communication Tip
Knob, Not a Switch
you’re listening to someone, (and yes I’ll repeat like a broken record
that listening in itself is the most important thing you can do in
communication) give yourself a useful image. Rather than a switch,
where people are one way or another, they’re more likely to be on a
continuum; in a gray area. This continuum is between being motivated by
fear or motivated by an ideal of some kind. Imagine the knob is full on
Fear all the way to the left, focused on Rightness at the twelve o’clock
position, and focused on Identity all the way to the right.
As you listen to them, see if you can “dial them in.” Do they verbalize
what they’re trying to avoid? Do they verbalize the ideal they’re
aiming for? Do they verbalize who they are in the scheme of things?
Each of these is a powerful clue into what drives and motivates them,
and that tells you how to best make your point in their own perspective.
Want to learn more about how your communication can hold you back or
catapult you forward? Come visit the
or better yet,
contact me and see how we can design a program to fit your needs and desired outcomes.
- the podcast series
KG Stiles: "Conversations that Enlighten and Heal"
Ian Blei on Kind Ambition and the
visit the Blog.
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Institute for Integral Enneagram
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Circumstances will always be
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is written for you,
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right now. It is a collection of
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finally some things to notice when you do.
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Author: Kick Start Your Dream Business
Success Coach Columnist: Entrepreneur Magazine
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We all face obstacles in our lives and careers. Some of these come from within, subverting our conscious intentions. The
good news is: they can be overcome. The techniques and processes found in this book will help you on your way."
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Manifesto on Business and What Really Matters
Syndicated Columnist: Fast
scientifically-based, spiritually-awake, (and smart and funny) guide to
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Star of Unapix film,
“Dance Me Outside”
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