an Integral Enneagram of Consciousness; a model of consciousness, including
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They're a Big Lie
Maybe it’s a controversial assertion, but let’s explore. Everyone has a
stockpile of emotional defenses from childhood, ranging from detachment
to rage and more. I’d like to hear from one person who’s never gotten
hurt, disappointed, or frustrated. Anyone?
If I focus on a worst case scenario, so I won’t be disappointed, do you
think that’ll work? Has it ever worked for you? Of course not. We get
disappointed anyway. If I pretend that I’m not falling in love so I
won’t get hurt, and I get dumped, it’ll be painless, right? Of course
not. I’ll still get hurt.
After studying this for decades, I’ve yet to see defenses work to avoid
pain, disappointment, or frustration. People tell themselves they don’t
want something, while secretly pining for it. I remember as a kid, when
not getting picked to play basketball, my defense was to say,
“basketball’s a stupid game, anyway. I’ll find another sport where speed
counts more than height.” Did I still feel left out and “different?” Of
course. It didn’t work at all.
If we looked at any other tools the same way, we’d make different
choices. Imagine a hammer or a screwdriver that never work or a pen that
couldn’t write. Would we keep using those tools anyway, or throw them
out? So why do we keep using our defenses, when they don’t work?
Worse Than Not Working
Actually, beyond not working, our defenses successfully screw things up.
When we focus on worst case scenarios as a defense against being
disappointed, we actually contribute to that worst case scenario taking
place. Visualization is a powerful tool, and the more we focus on
something, the more likely it is that we’ll help it to happen.
There are many reasons for this, including our brain’s Reticular
Activation System being engaged. Our brain takes in too much information
every second to process all of it, so the brain uses the Reticular
Activation System for selecting what’s most relevant, while ignoring
what it deems “noise.” When we focus on a worst case scenario, we set up
a kind of “bias” for paying attention, and are more likely to make the
choices and take the actions that will bring that worst case scenario
about. And yes, we’ll still get disappointed.
Another downside, is that we also never got to have that feeling of hope
and elation. We never got to be happy and excited, because we were so
concerned about falling from that height. Taking this to extremes, we’d
never fall in love, because of the potential to get hurt, we’d never get
close to someone, in case we lost them, we’d never allow ourselves to
enjoy anything to the fullest, in case it got taken away. This is a very
limited way to live. Thank goodness for all those defenses keeping us
from enjoying ourselves, in case that enjoyment has an expiration date.
One of the most common defenses is detachment. If we detach from what’s
happening, we won’t get hurt, frustrated, or disappointed. Surprise! Yes
we will. In fact, by detaching, we’re more likely to miss taking in
important information that might have helped us to not get hurt.
Detachment is about numbing ourselves and removing ourselves from the
here and now, where we need our attention.
When people get aggressive about detachment, they push everyone away to
use isolation as their defense. This pushing is indiscriminate, and they
push away people who want to help, and very likely could help them. Thus
the defense prolongs the stressor, rather than solving it. Isolation
often goes hand in hand with denial, especially denial of having needs.
“Don’t help me, I’m fine” is a pretty common defensive line, sometimes
eclipsed by the isolationist’s “don’t help me, I want to drown on my
The typical result of our defenses, is feeling alone, isolated, angry,
hurt, frustrated, and disappointed. We damage our relationships at home
and work. By disintegrating our sense of integrity and power, we hurt
our relationship with ourselves, which may be the most damaging aspect
And Yet We Grip Them Like Swords
So if our
defenses never really work, why do we keep using them, and why are we so
attached to them?
First of all, we learn defense mechanisms when we’re very young, and
have neither the experience, nor the intellectual sophistication to put
them through the ringer of critical thinking. Once we’ve been reacting
the same way for years, we’ve developed neural pathways - habits. Habits
rarely rise to conscious awareness, so we don’t pay enough attention to
ask ourselves why we’re
doing the same
thing over and over expecting different results?
This means that heightened awareness might be the solution to the
craziness of defense mechanisms. Remember, we learn denial, repression,
projection, reaction formation, acting out, disassociation, etc. at such
a young age, it’s in our deepest memories; maybe even procedural memory,
like riding a bike. Our only solution is to crank up the awareness and
See if you
can recognize when you’re about to use one of your defense mechanisms.
Catch yourself for a moment and be mindful about it. Ask yourself what
you’re hoping to achieve by using that defense. Ask yourself if it’s
ever worked before. Ask yourself, if you let yourself just have your
experience in the now, without censoring or defending, what would be the
worst thing to happen? Would that potentially happen anyway? If it’s
going to happen anyway, wouldn’t feeling better about the outcome make
more sense than trying to make it not happen, using something that
It sounds very counter intuitive, but in fact, when we really feel our
feelings in the moment, don’t defend against and don’t identify with
them, but allow ourselves to feel them, they pass through us and get
processed very nicely. The scary monster shadow turns out to be a
coat-rack in the light, and we’re in better shape than ever before.
Want to learn more about how to become the best you possible?
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- Ian J. Blei
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combines his extensive knowledge of integral theory, the Enneagram, and
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